The Ancient Scroll of Tao? What’s with the title? It sounds like Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu.
The movie starts with an opening that immediately rip-offs the Twilight Zone. Mammy Jammy, what the fuck is that, like mammary glands?! Jesus, these innuendos! Who would have thought to make a name for a production studio sound so sexual?
After the opening, the movie jumps to inside a museum in San Francisco with a boy staring awkwardly at a piece of paper hung on a wall minutes on end. He then steals the old toilet paper and meets up with his jolly o’ friend.
After the train ride home, the boy tells his friend to check out his
dick toilet paper he stole from the museum. His friend warns him that the toilet paper is cursed. I honestly don’t get this because if the museum obtained the paper, wouldn’t they be cursed too? I don’t know, maybe it will be explained in the prequel Tao Long Ding Dong.
Later at the boy’s house, he hangs the paper onto his wall. “Perfect,” he says, admiring his stolen
meme artifact. At that moment, he doesn’t know what he is about to be in for (literally).
The boy then watches one of those public domain Jackie Chan movies on Netflix. His dad notifies him, via computer, that it’s 1 A.M. and it’s a school night. The boy, obedient, shuts off the laptop and takes a shower. Who the fuck showers at 1 in the morning?!
Eventually, out of the shower, on-screen shows the boy with one of the hairiest armpits I’ve ever seen. Damn, he has George W. Bush just laying there! Time to shave, young man!
A few moments later, one of those guys shown on the toilet paper flung towards the boy for, perhaps it could be said, stealing them. The boy then ends their fight by grabbing a nearby conveniently placed sword and uses it decapitate the guy.
Now curious, the boy enters the world of the toilet paper. He turns into Anime Nicolas Cage once inside. This entire scene rip-offs The Congress.
The boy then sees a giant Waifu head and gets blasted back to the real world. And that’s the end of the movie.
Overall, I rate The Ancient Scroll of Tao a 6/10. Some scenes were clodhopping with plot holes here and there, but I liked the cinematography.
Hey, guys! The Big Scoops is now doing movie reviews. We call this new series of reviews Shit on the Big Screen where we cover independent films. Please note that this review is our personal opinion on the movie itself, not yours.
Live was a piece of crap. I want a better way to live after seeing this.
The film starts off with some ADHD girl running around her room thinking of her ugly boyfriend named Grant. After some nonsensical makeup and changing of clothes and girl stuff, we see a scene of her crossing out pics of her boyfriend on the wall, removing him from her life.
The scene then changes to a rip-off of Meet the Sniper from them crossing out targets to driving in caravan, how original. More dumb shit occurs when she has a panic attack in her car. I don’t know what the fuck happens after that but she appears to be blocking messages on her iPhone.
WHAT THE FUCK, I payed for film festival tickets and I see a cancerous romance gone wrong?!
The final scene ends up with the girl getting Terminal 7 from playing with the fidget spinner in her hands, causing them to bleed and get scars.
The plot was not good and confusing, and it was horrendous, both the fidget spinner and music overall, the punishment: non-royalty-free music.
Overall, I rate this movie: 3/10
I want my $5 back.
While on the ship ride back home, Astuski and Cluckers have cooked their first batch of minerals since for a while. They prepared the batch to the new captain Chuggs Cummy 2G who is jamming to his mixtape inside the Titanic’s bridge.
“You guys are goddamn artists!”, Chuggs cheered the chickens for the batch, “Go ahead and make me some more!”
“Alright!”, the chickens went back to the lab to produce another batch of rocks.
Chuggs then inserts another one of his mixtapes into the Titanic’s stereo. The song that played this time is Livin’ on a Prayer by Bob Jovi indicating that they’re halfway there to New Jersey, their destination.
Meanwhile, beneath the lab and the bridge has placed a prison where one slave wants to make an escape out of his rotten cell. The prisoner goes by the name of Jin Woo. Jin Woo is a 65-year-old Chinese immigrant who once screamed in front of Joseph Stalin back in the old Soviet Union. From that scream, Stalin had a heart attack and died. The Communists then throw Baby Jin Woo into his cell in the Titanic where he remained there for the rest of his life.
Jin Woo moans while eating what appears to be his last supper: A McDonald’s Happy Meal.
The Happy Meal theme was Discover the World of Super Mario. Jin Woo got a Luigi toy as part of the Happy Meal. He doesn’t like it.
Jin Woo then uses the Luigi toy in an attempt to saw himself out his prison cell.
Later above the prison, Astuski and Cluckers are finishing whipping up their second batch of minerals until Chuggs hollered in joy from the bridge.
“LAND HOEEEEEEEEEE!”, Chuggs called as the Titanic reached the Jersey Shore. It stopped at the dock where the Jizz Kalifa manga rots.
“Welcome home, boys,” Chuggs said to the chickens as the three get out of the Titanic.
“Home sweet home!”, Cluckers rejoices.
“Not yet, Cluckers, not yet,” Astuski utters.
“What’s going on now, brother? We’re home! Relax!”, Cluckers says to Astuski.
Astuski then pulls out Mr. Halket’s unloaded gun.
“I have unfinished business to attend to,” Astuski reasons with Cluckers and then walks away in a sharp direction.
“Astuski, come back!”, Cluckers begs.
The mad Astuski didn’t stop where he was heading.
“Don’t worry, matee. They always come back. It’s a cliche in movies… A very, very, bad cliche,” Chuggs trying to cheer up Cluckers while beginning to panic.
Astuski arrives at the Confort Inn hotel to start a “meeting”. He goes up to the concierge and demands to speak with the heads of the mineral enterprise that he formerly worked for.
Meanwhile, Cluckers is at his home with Chuggs now living with him and Astuski. They were watching Star Shrek until someone knocked on the door.
Chuggs Cummy opened the door and exclaimed, “OMG, it’s George Lucas creator of Star Shrek! I’m a big fan of fans!”
“That’s right and I got a delivery for YOUUUU, soldier boy!”
“Ow, motherfucker!”, Chuggs shouted.
George Lucas then immediately rams the UPS truck to another destination.
“I hate my life…”, George Lucas thought while driving 75mph.
The UPS truck was then already out of the neighborhood.
Chuggs then brings in the package and put it on a table.
Cluckers gets the pleasure of opening up the package and then a life-sized spoon gets out of the package.
“Hello,” the glamorous spoon said.
“Holy fuck!”, Chuggs in fear.
“Oh hello, cutie,” Cluckers replied, “Wanna go out?”
“Oh I would love to,” the spoon said.
Cluckers and the spoon then leaves the house, leaving Chuggs on the floor petrified.
Back at the Confort Inn hotel, Astuski sat down in a vacant room waiting for the heads of the underground mineral enterprise that he formerly worked for.
A moment later, his old employer came with heavily-armed guards and sat straight from Astuski.
“Astuski, long time no see,” Mr. Monkey, the employer, greets to Astuski.
“Mr. Monkey, I have a problem,” Astuski brought up.
Mr. Monkey then leans on his chair to where Astuski sat.
“The Harpoon Master, my co-worker, has killed fourty-two of my clients. All I want is coordinates to his home address and some bullets,” Astuski demanded.
Mr. Monkey then thinks.
“No. Once you take Confort Inn oath, you cannot kill an associate. I’m afraid I can’t do that, Astuski,” Mr. Monkey explained.
Astuski then remembers that he taken a blood oath to be with Mr. Monkey’s enterprise of Confort Inn. He pulled out his oath marker with his own blood stain from his pocket.
“See that, Astuski? You were one of us. I don’t even get why you even left Confort Inn in the first place to work for that fat fuck, Hank Schrader,” Mr. Monkey said as he pointed out Astuski’s blood marker, “I want you to return to the Confort Inn. Work for us again! It’ll be great!”
“Yeah, but how about this: I get the coordinates and I will make a comeback,” Astuski makes a deal with Mr. Monkey.
“Alright, fine,” Mr. Monkey accepts the deal, “But, you cannot kill Harpoon Master.”
“Okay,” Astuski said while getting out of his seat about to leave the meeting.
“Astuski,” Mr. Monkey calls out, “We’ll meet again.”
“Sure,” Astuski leaving that under uncertainty.
Astuski has then left the room and back onto the streets where he goes to his arms dealer for some bullets, breaking the deal that he had with Mr. Monkey.
“Bullets, I need bullets,” Astuski said to his arms dealer.
“Welcome back, Astuski,” said the arms dealer.
The arms dealer, after searching through a wide inventory of magazines, gave Astuski the right bullets that could fit Mr. Halket’s gun.
“Thank you,” Astuski said as he walks away solemnly.
“Appreciated,” the arms dealer said.
Astuski looked at the coordinates that Mr. Monkey gave him. He then loads Mr. Halket’s gun with his new set of bullets and goes to Harpoon Master’s residence.
Astuski knocks on the front door of Harpoon Master’s supposed house. No response came from inside.
Astuski, impatient, kicks open the door aiming Mr. Halket’s gun.
Harpoon Master, busy eating his Ruffles chips while watching porn on his computer, immediately came up from his chair and rushed out of his room to see what was going on.
When Astuski finally sees Harpoon Master, he points the gun at his head.
“Astuski, is that you?”, Harpoon Master realized.
“Shut the fuck up and admit that you killed fourty-two of my clients!”, Astuski demanded.
“I have no idea what you are talking about. Please put the gun down and walk away,” Harpoon Master suggested.
“Those clients owe me! And then, you killed them! For what?!”, Astuski said.
“Look, I can explain everything just-“, Harpoon Master utters before he gets shot by Astuski in the forehead.
“Why, Astuski? Why?”, Harpoon Master’s last words to Astuski before he dies.
Astuski then drops Mr. Halket’s gun and says to Harpoon Master’s corpse, “Go to hell AND STAY THERE!”
A few minutes later, the local police came to the residence and discovered the dead Harpoon Master, an insane Astuski, and Hank Schrader’s PornHub video playing on Harpoon Master’s computer.
The police then discard Harpoon Master in a body bag, taken the computer, and arrested Astuski.
Meanwhile, back on the Titanic, Jin Woo was still sawing off the bar using his Luigi toy until he was free at last.
“I’M FREEEEEEEEEE!”, Jin Woo exclaimed in excitement, now wondering what he could do as a free man. He then grabs a nearby crowbar, a HEV suit, and then escapes from the Titanic.