Shit on the Big Screen: The Ancient Scroll of Tao (2017)

The Ancient Scroll of Tao
? What’s with the title? It sounds like Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu.

The movie starts with an opening that immediately rip-offs the Twilight Zone. Mammy Jammy, what the fuck is that, like mammary glands?! Jesus, these innuendos! Who would have thought to make a name for a production studio sound so sexual?


After the opening, the movie jumps to inside a museum in San Francisco with a boy staring awkwardly at a piece of paper hung on a wall minutes on end. He then steals the old toilet paper and meets up with his jolly o’ friend.

It then transitions to a scene that copies The Taking of Pelham 123. C’mon, guys, can you at least think of something original here?! Even the lighting in this scene is similar to Pelham too!


After the train ride home, the boy tells his friend to check out his dick toilet paper he stole from the museum. His friend warns him that the toilet paper is cursed. I honestly don’t get this because if the museum obtained the paper, wouldn’t they be cursed too? I don’t know, maybe it will be explained in the prequel Tao Long Ding Dong.


Later at the boy’s house, he hangs the paper onto his wall. “Perfect,” he says, admiring his stolen meme artifact. At that moment, he doesn’t know what he is about to be in for (literally).

I would rather be watching this movie instead.

The boy then watches one of those public domain Jackie Chan movies on Netflix. His dad notifies him, via computer, that it’s 1 A.M. and it’s a school night. The boy, obedient, shuts off the laptop and takes a shower. Who the fuck showers at 1 in the morning?!


Eventually, out of the shower, on-screen shows the boy with one of the hairiest armpits I’ve ever seen. Damn, he has George W. Bush just laying there! Time to shave, young man!

“If you can’t beat us, join us.”

A few moments later, one of those guys shown on the toilet paper flung towards the boy for, perhaps it could be said, stealing them. The boy then ends their fight by grabbing a nearby conveniently placed sword and uses it decapitate the guy.


Now curious, the boy enters the world of the toilet paper. He turns into Anime Nicolas Cage once inside. This entire scene rip-offs The Congress.


The boy then sees a giant Waifu head and gets blasted back to the real world. And that’s the end of the movie.

Overall, I rate The Ancient Scroll of Tao a 6/10. Some scenes were clodhopping with plot holes here and there, but I liked the cinematography.

The Ancient Orb of Trump, truly a cursed artifact

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